Off Kilter Yesterday

My stomach hurt so bad yesterday, plus I was already in pain, and I was sore from working out really hard the two days prior to that.  Long story short I missed out on debate practice, my workout and a class because I was at home in fetal position in my bed.

More important than that was the fact that my depression was really high.  Super high.  Or I was in a super low.  I’m not quite sure how to put it, but that’s how it was.  I was just ridiculously unhappy and it wasn’t even related to what was going on in my life.  Though, incidentally, my world was falling apart a little bit and the result was a tear filled confession to one of my professors.  I’m so sick of those.

I feel very disconnected and even in relationships where I am keeping myself together I have noticed a move away from me by the other party.  It’s frustrating to see the other side of the fence and keep my sense of personal security when the other person doesn’t really care if you’re there or even if it’s you or someone else that they are talking to/spending time with.  Now I am further inspired to try and focus on others instead of wallowing in myself.

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In other news I am trying out a new site because fitday.com is a little bit outdated and requires a lot of personal action to find the nutritional information on pretty much anything I eat.

The goal: 137 by May 1, 2008

Weigh in occurs today but as of friday: 171

Weeks prior to May 1:  15

Total Weight to lose: 34

Weight to lose per week: 34/15 = 2.27

I’m really committed to it like I’ve never been before and I think that’s good.  Right now I need something to accomplish this semester beyond the usual grades/personal growth.  I think it’s something I can control and it’ll help me pull my life back together if I can actual keep that under control.  I know- what sort of woman puts her weight online for all to see?  I guess that type of woman would be one who honestly wants to get rid of it.

Snoring on the Downstairs Couch, Stead of Sleeping in Bed

My life is a good life. I should not be stressed and I should not be freaking out, but I am.

I am in the process of a major overhaul of who I am mentally, emotionally, and physically and I feel very weary.

I might have an ulcer, all I know is that I have extreme pain in my stomach everytime I eat and sometimes in between.

I also know I have now had two panic attacks in four days which is up from the one had before it a month and a half ago during finals week.  I’m not sleeping well and I wake up in the middle of the night expecting him to be in the bed with me only to face the harsh reality that I am in my bed alone and consequently need to keep myself warm and get over it.

I’m really trying to be a good friend/any relational connection I might have with someone else, and I know I’m completely failing at it.  I’m a constant C student when it comes to relationships (romantic and non), and I just need to commit to doing a better job.  I’m trying not to be self-centered and at the same time, this is exactly a moment where I need help with basically everything else in my life.  What a conundrum.

I am really tired of two of my friends.  One insists on nagging me or interrogating me about anything personal I tell him/her and it’s very frustrating.  The other definitely has feelings for me and I don’t know what to do with him/her because I don’t feel the same way and him/her won’t back the fuck off.

School is my only repreive, and I hate school.  Which you would know, if you know me.  I don’t know at what age my hatred of school began or what triggered it, but studying sucks.

Ok, that’s my bitching for the moment.  Which is just my way of relaxing post panic attack so that maybe I can go to sleep.  I think I’ll go watch the new episode of carpoolers and then fall asleep.