I’m a dumbass

I erased two lesser phil episodes in an accidental miscommunication between me and my computer. UGGH. Let me repeat for you- grrrrrr

I don’t know how to rectify the emotion that I had in those two entries. I suppose I shall have to go on without them.

Ok, looks like it was actually only one entry but it was the one that explained why I was so angry with Lesser Phil.  In short- He ate all of Chas’ food and let my cat out while I was 9 hours away and then didn’t tell anyone that our beloved pet was missing.  WHAT???  Who does that.

Anyway- I’ll try and track down episode 8 but I’ll put out 9 in the next couple of days.

Lesser Phil- Episode 7: Polentz Vs Brosima

As promised, my pseudo writer’s strike ended. Though it should be noted that a strike isn’t really successful when it is one person unionizing, rather than a group. IE “Writer’s Strike” versus “Writers’ Strike.” Thus, I’m back, with more stories to tell. Rest assured- more time away from computer = more time to experience LP (unfortunately for me).

Since it’s been awhile- Check out last time on Lesser Phil

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So we have Foy to thank for this one since he provided me with the article. Though not a precise description of the man known as Lesser Phil, it does give you some idea as to the situation I am in.

YOU MUST READ THIS ARTICLE SO CLICK HERE
(All right, it’s a lame “episode,”- I am getting to Episode 7 in the next few hours, so don’t go messing yourself with overly excited expectation.)

That being said- When Lesser Phil was working at Buffalo Wild Wings (which he was since he moved in but has now been fired from since two tables of people walked out on him w/out paying in the last week) he would often just lounge around in his uniform and seemed to not have moved at all during my absence. “I just don’t know why people would do that to me? And my manager’s a douche, so now I have to fight to keep my job. It’s just not fair.”

Though he doesn’t fit all the qualifications of the article since the channel on the tv does change unlike the roommate described.

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Chas and I recently had a discussion that went something like this-

Chas: Does he go to class?

Me: I think so.

Chas: Oh.

Me: Yeah, he’s always here when I’m here too.

Chas: Yeah. I was just curious since it seems that way.

Me: At least he goes to work occasionally.

Chas: He goes to work? Wow. I never see him gone. I mean… I figured he had to have a job or something but…

In short- we had almost achieved Brosima status when, without explanation, LP disappeared for four days last week. He went to “Iowa” where he was doing what sounds like ultimate fight club, but I can’t be sure. I assumed it was some far off destination. Nope, just Council-Tucky (aka Carter Lake which I think is technically Omaha still and is not actually a part of Council Bluffs). On the plus side- he brought me back a gift from his long expedition- a white stuffed bear which I think might be a bribe to get me to give him my friend Julie’s number. He also asked if his face looked swollen, it didn’t. Then he invited me to come see him fight the next time. A proposition to see LP get the shit kicked out of him? I said yes.

Well, to wrap up I’m glad he’s back. I’d almost begun to miss him.

Lesser Phil- A New Writer’s Strike?

I have three episodes halfway written but I haven’t had time to finish them, or when I have, I’ve used the time instead to watch episodes of House or ruin interpersonal relationships.  Yes, LP has been continuing his antics (except for the three days when he disappeared completely) and I have noted them.  I’m not intentionally keeping you from knowing the on-goings of  LP.

You’ll have a new episode by midnight Wednesday (aka 12:00 AM Thursday Central Standard Time).  That’s the best offer you are going to get.  Sorry.

I’ll do my best to get it out before then, but we shall see what God does to me in the next 48.

Until then…

Lesser Phil- Episode 6: Picture This

Be sure to keep up to date with: Last Time on Lesser Phil

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So he comes into my room and says- “I owe you rent.”

Despite having failed to hand me 200 dollars when I was leaving the house yesterday (which I left sitting in the living room because I was about to leave), Lesser Phil realizes that the money has to get to my hands somehow, so he comes into my room tonight. It’s 2:20 am. Yes, I’m still up, but he comes in and I am wearing a shirt and no pants though I have a blanket pulled up to my waist. He throws the money on my keyboard (to my annoyance) and begins to count it out.

280 dollars later he tells me about his shitty shift and how life is. Then he peeks down at my computer screen and presses his face up close to it. The program ‘photobooth’ is open on my computer.

Phil: “I was taking a picture of myself. Don’t you want a picture of me?”

Obviously he was not taking a picture of himself since the camera wasn’t even on and he failed to do anything but stare at a computer screen. I wonder momentarily if Mr. Sober (he ‘doesn’t drink’) is a bit tipsy.

“Yes, yes I do,” I said, without hesitation. This shit is going on my blog.

“Ok, scoot over.”

Awkwardly I scoot over and keep the blanket over myself.  He then insists on taking 5 different pictures with me until we “get it right.” He refuses to smile and finally, on the last one, despite it being equally bad as the rest, says “that’ll do.”

He leaps up from the edge of my bed and then regales a story of glitter being dumped on him at work. I look down at my bed…. thanks for climbing into it glitter boy.

Anyway, I cropped myself out of 4/5 of the photos, but you can check out what he looks like at: Lesser Phil Photos

Please be sure to notice his effort to look hard, including turning his hat around backwards (this action is caught on film in picture 5 which is actually the first picture taken in the set).

In other news:

Prior to going to my concert tonight I went and made a key for the fool after he finally requested one last night. Unfortunately for me, the ten minutes was well wasted as he “found it on the floor at work” tonight. Uggh.

I am not making him another. He did pay me back for it, but if he manages to lose two of them then that is not my problem anymore.

PS- After Chas heard that LP had called me in the middle of the night, his response was, “Shit! I JUST gave him my number. I hope he doesn’t call me.”

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That’s all I have for right now since I am about to hit the hay, but Hector told me to include some previews of what was to come so…. look forward to the upcoming episodes:

-Lesser Phil joins the Mouseketeers

-Crossing the River Jordan

and

-Showering Him With Affection

I promise only the best for you- sorry I got halted on them, it was midterms week. Though the interactions with LP failed to halt, my ability to blog did. I’ll keep them coming as I get the chance to put them out. Until next episode- keep on keeping on.

Oh- THANKS FOR READING. With your help- Lesser Phil episodes have become my highest read entries!

Lesser Phil- Episode 5: A Room With a View

Last time on Lesser Phil

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Episode Five:

This one is not a complaint- just an observation.

Lesser Phil’s room is the one with access to our balcony. The balcony isn’t anything great, but it overlooks our fairly large backyard and is the only balcony of the house. Because of this, there is a door that allows you to access the balcony in his room. This is pretty straight forward.

Next to Lesser Phil’s room is the bathroom which, oddly enough, has a full size window in the shower. We have a curtain so no one can see in, but it naturally lights the bathroom and, if you were standing in the bathtub (clothed I would hope) and pulled back the curtain then you can get basically the same view as you can from the balcony.

Though unrelated to this, the backyard is currently a mudhole. Snow has melted and the ground is saturated completely leaving the leaves (that we failed to rake last Autumn) as the only protection from the mud. Therefore, there is not much of a view.

Walking across the yard a few minutes ago I noticed that Phil had something sitting out on the balcony. I couldn’t tell what it was from the ground. Now- I was going to let it go but I wondered if I could see it from the window in the tub. But just as I was about to peer out I hear banging and some grunting.

Lesser Phil still doesn’t know where his key is, apparently. So rather than ask for a copy, or continue to be let in, he’s instead scaling the side of our house on a regular basis.

All I can say is- that’s sort of innovative. Also, I hope the wood doesn’t break and/or he gets hurt. Because what else would I whine about if he wasn’t doing crazy antics? Additionally- I don’t want to have to feel bad for him.

Lesser Phil- Episode 4: Google Maps

As always: Last Time on Lesser Phil

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At 1 am today I, Nat Rivera, am staring at my house via satellite on Google Maps and trying to approximate the year in which the photo was taken. I didn’t sleep the night before and instead of catching even a couple hours of sleep prior to work (at 4 am), I am staring at my backyard. (For the record- Google Maps points to the wrong house when I enter my address. It shows my neighbor’s house.)

At 11:30 pm, after grabbing dinner at the BK Lounge and driving straight home post practice/small group meeting, I come into my house where everything is silent. I try not to wake my roommates as I sneak past their rooms and then strip down and prepare to climb into bed. I was so concerned about sleep that I had eaten on my way home.

I pull the covers up to my head, say goodbye to my friends online, and snuggle down for a good night’s sleep. One of my last conscious thoughts was- “I didn’t see or hear Lesser Phil all day. 24 hours of peace. It was a nice holiday.”

Since I had come home at 7 am, he hadn’t been awake and through some good luck- I didn’t run into him for the rest of the day. It’s nice to know that he’s asleep down the hall and not making phone calls. Maybe he’s a decent human being afterall.

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12:37 AM: I awake with a start- my phone is ringing and it is the ringtone I have set for my roommates. I instantly know it is not Chas and as I reach for the phone I think “If he is calling me from his room or downstairs I am going to ram his phone up his ass.”

LP: ::REALLY LOUD:: HEY!
Me: ::groggy and irritable:: Yeah, what?

LP: I’m really sorry but I have no idea what I did with my key.

Me: Ok- When are you going to be home?

LP: I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again….. ::he continues to talk and not give me an answer::

Me: Just call me when you get here.

LP: Were you asleep?

Me: Yes.

LP: ::Get even louder and apologizes several more times::

Me: ::cuts him off:: Just call me when you get here.

********

Alright- the dude locked himself out. I know- Stop your bitching Nat. He didn’t know you were sleeping (even though it was 12:30 in the morning) and he legitimately needs in.

EXCEPT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME HE’S LOCKED HIMSELF OUT. Only one other time have I actually had to come back home to let him in, but the other three have required me to stop what I’m doing to unlock a door for him.

Additionally, it’s not like these all happened in like 24 hours and he’s just lost his key… noooooooo, he’s spread it out over the course of a week.

**********

So at 1 am, after unlocking the door, I am staring at maps online, because I just want to get back to sleep and can’t. Shortly thereafter I close my computer and attempt to go to sleep…. only after 2 am do I accomplish the goal.

So here’s my question- WHY COULDN’T I JUST HAVE 24 HOURS WITHOUT HIM BUGGING ME WITHOUT BEING PUNISHED FOR IT???

I just need sleep I think.

Oh yeah- When I woke up to go to work at 4, I interrupted a really cool dream where I was hanging out with Daniel Day Lewis. I’d like to think I could have had another hour of that dream.

Lesser Phil- Episode 3: No Phone, No Phone, I Just Wanna Be Alone

If you missed episode 2 check out Last Time on ‘Lesser Phil’.

Today my world was filled magically for nearly 6 hours of bliss while Lesser Phil moped about the house, searching half-heartedly for his missing phone. While I did not think to steal his phone, I wish I had the brilliance to have done so, because the peace was unmatched by anything prior to it. The effect was amazing!

As he sat silently on the couch I couldn’t help but hear Cake’s song “No Phone” playing as my theme for the day. He brooded and tried think of where he last had it and I ‘helpfully’ volunteered to call it. For many hours the phone call would not go through leaving my end of the phone with the most beautiful sound possible- “The individual you are trying to reach cannot accept calls at this time. Goodbye.” Goodbye indeed.

Eventually around 8pm, for whatever reason, Lesser Phil requested one more time that I call his phone. I did and from the realms of his room came his annoying ringtone (some sort of overly ridiculous song that tries to sound hard but just sounds dumb, especially out of a cell phone).

Anyway- This has all digressed from what we are here to to talk about: DELIVERING PIZZAS. Here is that story.

At 2:10pm I am standing at the foot of the stairs and Lesser Phil and I are talking to a painter (who has an uncanny resemblance to Geo from “Ugly Betty”) when I realize I should be on the shuttle. I am instantly aware of how pressed for time I am.

Then Lesser Phil turns to me as the painter walks away and says- “I got some really bad news today.”

Since I can’t really walk away now because I looked like I was interested, I say- “Oh?”

The conversation then plays out.

Lesser Phil: Yeah, Jordan is seeing some other guy.

(Jordan is his ex-girlfriend. THE ex-girlfriend who will no doubt play a continual role in Lesser Phil and my interactions despite the fact that they are not together and I will never meet her…. it’s weird.)

Me: I’m sorry. I have many words of advice on that but I need to go catch a shuttle right now.

Lesser Phil: Oh, that’s cool. I don’t wanna burden ya or anything. It’s just…

(My foot had been on the first stair and I was about to walk up but now I’m caught. I really need to get going, but I have to hear him out or I’m a douche.)

Lesser Phil: It’s just that there’s the whole money thing, you know? Like, I only have like a thousand dollars to my name and I need to save up for the pizza joint- Did I tell you about the that?

Me: No… What pizza joint?

(I take my foot off the stairs and turn around. I look at the clock and I’ve already missed the shuttle anyway, I’ll have to drive. But we’re talking about pizza and I just need to know.)

Lesser Phil: Oh, me and like five guys are going to buy this pizza joint in Utah in January but we have to save up for the down payment by then.

Me: How much is the down payment?

Lesser Phil: 10,000 dollars.

Me: huh. Um… that’s cool though. You think you’ll get enough?

::he nods::

(He actually was talking about fucking pizzas…. he’s just an awkward human being. . . )

Me: Sorry- I really have to go, I’m already going to be late.

*******

He was really talking about delivering pizzas…. and making them…. in Utah? Despite his desire to go back to the East Coast post graduation? I either misheard his mention of a house or maybe he just misspoke. At any rate, I hardly care about pizza in Utah.

This red herring of pizza proportions has me even more intrigued about what the real source of his weirdness is but has decreased my desire to talk to him even more since it is hardly worth the time to try and figure it out.

Additionally, my tolerance of his voice is currently shot.

We shall see what unfolds in tomorrow’s episode (when I will most likely discuss his weird rules toward Jordan and the possibility of them getting back together), but until then I leave you with a poem Hotchy sent to me written by the famous Pablo Neruda. It is pretty damn descriptive of the way I feel towards Lesser Phil.

Me Gustas Cuando Callas

Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente,
y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mia.
Mariposa de sueno, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolia.

Me gustas cuando callas y estas como distante.
Y estas como quejandote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
dejame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.

Dejame que te hable tambien con tu silencio
claro como una lampara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente.
Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

Lesser Phil- Episode 2: Delivering Pizza

Alright, it is key that you read my previous entry about L. Phil or else this story doesn’t have the same impact. If you have not read it here is the link- Last Time on ‘Lesser Phil’

So after going up to my room and trying not to hear his muffled voice- which only proceeds to get LOUDER as more phone calls are placed. I begin to block it out and assume that he is a desperate or lonely man and that I don’t really care anymore.

So anyway- Hector and I are planning on heading to Talli’s to watch the Oscars as a small group and I, unhappily, pack back up my computer bag and plan to head downstairs knowing full well it means walking into the midst of his loud voice which has now become like nails on a chalkboard that’s eating my soul. I convince myself to leave only by reassuring myself that if I leave the house I will not have to listen to the increasingly loud mumbles of his voice booming from downstairs.

I walk down the stairs and Chewie skirts past me into the living room and I find myself listening to his end of the conversation that plays out like this:

“Yeah, so it’ll be five of us guys living in this one man’s house. It’ll be totally swee…”

Midword he freezes and our eyes meet. I give no indication that I was listening or care, because I don’t UNTIL he awkwardly changes the subject to-

“So… you can cook a pizza like that right?……. Oh yeah delivering pizza……. Yeah, I didn’t know you did that…. I used to do that…. I really like pizza…..”

By this point I have already made it to the kitchen where I am hiding a laugh. Could he have been anymore obvious with his “cover-up” to that conversation? I am tempted to stay and force him to continue to talk about pizza but I have a friend to pick up AND (more importantly) I want away from his voice. I take off, considering for a moment not closing the door all the way and listening for awhile until I would come back because I “forgot something.”

If he’s moving out- that’s all the better for me…. I hope he doesn’t think I would ask him to stay. That’s not the first time he’s been sketchy with his conversations- repeating stories but the facts change each time they’re retold or being vague or telling another person a completely different version of a situation he’s described to you.

So I ask:

Drug Dealer, Paranoid Freak, or just Planning to Move Out? Find out next time on Lesser Phil!

“Lesser Phil” Strikes a bad cord

Things that annoy me:

1. Having sticky hands

2. The kitchen not being finished yet

BIGGEST ANNOYANCE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW:

3. My roommate (who already talks on the phone really loud), who sits down on our couch while I’m watching tv and THEN proceeds to make outgoing calls. I can ALMOST understand not leaving the living room while someone is watching TV if you’re answering a call you just received. But- really????

THREE PHONE CALLS.

How do you respond to that?

OMG- THEN he asks to be updated on the show I’m watching and provides commentary on a story HE ISN’T EVEN WATCHING to his friends on the phone.

::sigh:: Sometimes I just want to tell people how ridiculously inconsiderate they are.

Incidentally- If you didn’t know, He’s called “Lesser Phil” because we needed someway to differentiate him between him and my old roommate, best-friend, ex-boyfriend Phil. A mutual friend of Phil and I came up with it.

Man I could punch Lesser Phil right now. I’m so glad Chewie hates him.