So this entry was going to begin with me pouring out my internal pain, but I found something right before that made me smile and I recommend to you all that you read that instead. It is some light reading for you all. Though it is the ranting of one frustrated parent, I thought his sarcastic remarks were exactly what I needed to lift my moods. Hopefully it can make you smile as well. He tells the story of a CD that is sent home with his son that is entitled ‘Play Everyday!’ While providing commentary on the individual tracks he also states- “It should be called play once, then use as a drink coaster.“
My favorite line had to be his comment about track ten-
10. Play Everyday – “I go to the playground with your mother.” I don’t care if you’re 5 years old, them’s fighting words.
So I recommend enjoying his blog and not reading below the line on this entry. Trust me, the rest is rubbish.
*****
So in other highlights and a more personal note- I hate school. I really really really hate school. While I appreciate the opportunity I’m being given right now and I know it will open a lot of doors for me, I just cannot stand it.
This week has been the epitome of my attempt for perfection and my complete failure to achieve it. What a humbling and silent tear filled experience. Relationships maintain mediocre at best despite my best efforts and obviously I am dissatisfied with that result. Uggh. While I am less externally aggravated with others and have managed to decrease the “drama” I bring into the room, the hatred and OCD has been turned inward. What began on Sunday as the most beautiful and OCD-free experience of my life has now become an internal haunting providing no introspective wisdom but suffering and pain. It’s frustrating because there’s no one to blame, no one to hate, no one to yell at or scream at and crying only satisfies for so long. Then it is off to hang out with friends, go to class, or simply get ready for the day, and God knows that no one has done this to me. So it stews inside of me. I want to shout out everything I am thinking and everything I am feeling and everything that is bugging me, but in the end it does not matter. There is no satisfaction in this but whining. So I work to fix it. I wake up and I work to fix it and I think ‘Maybe if I work on my relationships with other people, try to get scholastically in order, and organize my life the rest of it will fall in place.’ But as this week shows, medicated, well slept, well eaten and even fairly well exercised, I am dissatisfied.
To be even more honest I will admit what is really bugging me. I cannot have the only thing I want and I think it may kill me internally. At the same time, I somewhat have it now. To be so close and know that I only have it so much for so long is… torture. But even this is an unfair perspective for me to hold because I do not at all deserve the thing I want most and so I just attempt to enjoy what I have now without question but, something stirs inside me. I wonder.
I wonder what people think when they realize that death is eminent. Is there solace, a moment when they pass gently from one life to the next? Is the end really the end? They are aware that what they have now, so limited and almost gone is all they have left- do they enjoy it? Do they frantically and desperately hope that they may have more to go?
Though I will continue my physical life for (knock on wood) many years to come, I must wonder- will there be peace when this ends? Or will it only continue to plague me? No one wants to die and similarly I do not want this part of me to either, but it is imminent, though I wish with all my heart it wasn’t.
But why do I blog this? What good with this do but only exemplify the whining I so much do not want to put onto others? In putting this down I hoped I would find something, maybe even hope. I hoped to find hope. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know how to express any of this truly and openly without costing myself everything. What a catch-22.
I have an icecream sandwich to eat and a philosophy take home final to struggle through for now. Perhaps I should start with that.