“Play Everyday…”

So this entry was going to begin with me pouring out my internal pain, but I found something right before that made me smile and I recommend to you all that you read that instead.  It is some light reading for you all. Though it is the ranting of one frustrated parent, I thought his sarcastic remarks were exactly what I needed to lift my moods.  Hopefully it can make you smile as well.  He tells the story of a CD that is sent home with his son that is entitled ‘Play Everyday!’ While providing commentary on the individual tracks he also states- “It should be called play once, then use as a drink coaster.“

My favorite line had to be his comment about track ten-

10. Play Everyday – “I go to the playground with your mother.” I don’t care if you’re 5 years old, them’s fighting words.

So I recommend enjoying his blog and not reading below the line on this entry. Trust me, the rest is rubbish.

*****

So in other highlights and a more personal note- I hate school. I really really really hate school. While I appreciate the opportunity I’m being given right now and I know it will open a lot of doors for me, I just cannot stand it.

This week has been the epitome of my attempt for perfection and my complete failure to achieve it. What a humbling and silent tear filled experience. Relationships maintain mediocre at best despite my best efforts and obviously I am dissatisfied with that result. Uggh. While I am less externally aggravated with others and have managed to decrease the “drama” I bring into the room, the hatred and OCD has been turned inward. What began on Sunday as the most beautiful and OCD-free experience of my life has now become an internal haunting providing no introspective wisdom but suffering and pain. It’s frustrating because there’s no one to blame, no one to hate, no one to yell at or scream at and crying only satisfies for so long. Then it is off to hang out with friends, go to class, or simply get ready for the day, and God knows that no one has done this to me. So it stews inside of me. I want to shout out everything I am thinking and everything I am feeling and everything that is bugging me, but in the end it does not matter. There is no satisfaction in this but whining. So I work to fix it. I wake up and I work to fix it and I think ‘Maybe if I work on my relationships with other people, try to get scholastically in order, and organize my life the rest of it will fall in place.’ But as this week shows, medicated, well slept, well eaten and even fairly well exercised, I am dissatisfied.

To be even more honest I will admit what is really bugging me. I cannot have the only thing I want and I think it may kill me internally. At the same time, I somewhat have it now. To be so close and know that I only have it so much for so long is… torture. But even this is an unfair perspective for me to hold because I do not at all deserve the thing I want most and so I just attempt to enjoy what I have now without question but, something stirs inside me. I wonder.

I wonder what people think when they realize that death is eminent. Is there solace, a moment when they pass gently from one life to the next? Is the end really the end? They are aware that what they have now, so limited and almost gone is all they have left- do they enjoy it? Do they frantically and desperately hope that they may have more to go?

Though I will continue my physical life for (knock on wood) many years to come, I must wonder- will there be peace when this ends? Or will it only continue to plague me? No one wants to die and similarly I do not want this part of me to either, but it is imminent, though I wish with all my heart it wasn’t.

But why do I blog this? What good with this do but only exemplify the whining I so much do not want to put onto others? In putting this down I hoped I would find something, maybe even hope. I hoped to find hope. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know how to express any of this truly and openly without costing myself everything. What a catch-22.

I have an icecream sandwich to eat and a philosophy take home final to struggle through for now. Perhaps I should start with that.

Some Final Thoughts on the Semester

Get it?  FINAL thoughts!  lol, because it’s FINALS!

Sorry.  I suppose I’m just really stressed right now and I just want a few things to happen prior to the new year and I don’t know if they can be done.  It’s a lot of work ahead of me.

On the plus side, in a few short weeks this break will end also and then maybe things will return to ‘normal’ and I can move forward with my life.  Hopefully this time I’ll care before it’s too late.

This semester sort of ended up like some miserable speech tournament.  So you flub your first couple of speeches and the result is having to work extra hard the rest of the time to try and make it to the final round but you’re fairly certain you won’t.  There’s nothing you can do except smile, hope for the best, and applaud and hug your friend when you don’t get what you want but they do.

I just need to have these meds really start working and I need to figure out what to do.  I’m tired and I have many hours of studying ahead, I am not excited about it at all.  Now would be a good time for a good hug, midnight forty.

“Pisspot” and the adventure without a night light

After a lot of deliberation in the last post- I decided that I should post this story after all. It’s not too terrible and if my roommate doesn’t post it, oh well. At least it’s not anything REALLY embarrassing, like thinking you peed yourself during an intimate moment….

So therefore this may be the second best headfake ever, or maybe just a good anecdote for y’all. Either way, here it is.

***

CD (the other roommate) was out of town over the weekend. He came back but the airline lost his bag on Sunday. So last night it arrived at our door delivered by the airline. The Ex answers the door and signs for the bag. With some consideration he decides to take it upstairs and set it by CD’s door so that he will know his bag finally arrived.

It’s an old house and while there are keys to get into the house, none of the doors really lock except for the bathroom and the basement. In other words, the rooms don’t have personal locks, which is fine in our house since we stay out of each other’s stuff (as far as I know…) and mind our own business. The bathroom is at the top of the stairs and is furthest from my room. On one side of the hall a dog gate and a vacuum usually sit so I head to the right side when walking to my room. Last night (late night due to finals studying) I took a shower.

Afterwards I wrapped myself in a towel and thought nothing of going to my room in a towel only since it only takes about six steps to get there. Usually I leave my bedroom door open, but for some reason had pulled it closed on my way to the bathroom last night. I filled a huge cup with water and began heading to bed. I walked along the right side of the hallway with some haste since I knew the path and thought nothing of it. So what if I can’t see? Right then- BAM!!!!

My right hit foot CD’s bag sitting in the hall and I reached up for the wall to get back my balance and unfortunately met CD’s door which swung open easily without a lock. CD grunted and moved from some dark realm of the room. More concerned with the possibility of throwing water all over the now quickly awaking roommate I darted back into the dark hallway, pausing there to realize that my towel was now at waist level. My breasts had been completely exposed in his room.

Not knowing what to do I stood there, unmoving, holding my breath. Do I apologize and try and to explain? Do I wait till morning? Did he see my boobs? OMG, does he think I was trying to break into his room? What if he’s mad? And as my mind raced I heard nothing from his room. I assumed he was asleep. Because of this I was unsure if I should venture back into his room and try and close his door and hope it doesn’t make noise. Leaving the door open, I slipped into my room feeling like a total idiot. But when CD got up only moments later to close his door again, I realized he hadn’t been asleep. I still haven’t talked to CD about it.

A little while later I went down to grab a textbook from the living room and ran into my Ex who asked me what happened. Uggh… apparently I made more noise than I thought when I busted through the door. Embarrassed I hat to sneak past CD’s room once again into my own. I think from now on I’ll get dressed in the bathroom and check for possible obstacles prior to walking down it.