Manic Less Often- Still Just as Powerful

It is potent, this bi-polar shit. Even with the decision to take my medications (which I am back on) and see a counselor again, etc. my life is still crazy. I completely flipped out on my roommate tonight for the first time in 8 days. It was the longest I’ve gone flipping out on someone in about three or four years. It was still shitty. Now that I think about it, I also flipped out on Talli tonight… but managed to get myself under control before anything really led anywhere, thank God. No matter what, it was really shitty, and totally crushing.

So result- me crying and actually, legitimately, having a moment of- ‘Why DON’T I slit my wrists tonight?’ That’s when I immediately sat down where I was (I was toweling off in the shower) laid in fetal position for awhile and convinced myself the moment would pass. I’m still here so- obviously it did. How embarrassing to admit, but true.

Incidentally- do you know what my roommate was doing while I went through my freak out fest? Looking online for my favorite show and buying me the second season of it for Christmas. God I feel like a dick.

I hadn’t really had a suicidal thought in a long time though, so in some demented way, having one tonight was almost comforting. Almost.

The Medication Dilemma- The story of bi-polar options

I’ve been off my meds for sometime deepening my understanding of my mother and my illness.  It was like an undercover operation on myself.  I’ve discovered that I can live without my medication but it is a very very poor life to live.  But yet, so is life w/ medication.  It’s definitely a trade-off, a listing of priorities, and I’m not sure what mine are.  But for months I have tried the ‘no medication,’ so now it is time to try the opposite.

I’ve been off my meds for sometime deepening my understanding of my mother and my illness.  It was like an undercover operation on myself.  I’ve discovered that I can live without my medication but it is a very very poor life to live.  But yet, so is life w/ medication.  It’s definitely a trade-off, a listing of priorities, and I’m not sure what mine are.  But for months I have tried the ‘no medication,’ so now it is time to try the opposite.

 

Reasons to be on Medication:

1. Normal Sleeping habits; decreased amounts
2. No chance of suicide
3. “Normal” operating procedures
4. Better relationships with loved ones
5. Better grades
6. Better ability to organize arguments
7. Increased memory
8. No really big freak outs
9. Average efficiency/care for most tasks

 

Reasons I hate medication:

1. Constant dry mouth
2. Food loses taste/bad aftertaste to most foods (especially chocolate)
3. Complete loss of sex drive
4. No desire to write (as seen by the summer of no blogging in 2007)
5. Insomnia (when I sleep I garner no rest)
6. Decreased IE success/drive to succeed
7. Weight gain
8. Dependence on medication and withdrawal symptoms if for any reason I go off them or skip them, even for a morning.
9. Inability to be manic and have instant payoff in short amount of time

 

Can you tell me which one you would choose?

An excuse for #7 and #8

#7

The words I need(ed) to hear from you just came in a facebook message from someone I barely know anymore.  

********

#8 

I’m off my meds.  I have been for a while and because of it my schoolwork and teamwork has suffered.  I don’t know if I’ll go back on them soon, but I do plan to eventually.