Archive for March, 2008

I don’t want to kill myself

March 26, 2008

3 weeks of mania and sleeping barely a wink I was almost to my wits end. It ended, as feared, with a week’s worth of miserable depression pain. I didn’t get out of bed, I didn’t go to class, but beyond that, I hid it well. Most people didn’t even know. Suicidal thoughts were at an all time high but I had no energy to finish the job and whenever I did, there my dog would be, guilting me into staying alive w/ her dependency on my love and affection (she does not care for anyone else quite as much and is completely obsessed with me).

I didn’t think I had anyone to talk to about it, I mean SINCERELY HONESTLY EVERYTHING about, and then out of the wood-work came a best-friend. I had the best conversation of my life. It was a Wednesday, I was on the phone, and… something clicked inside of me. I don’t know if he said it, or I said it, or if it was unspoken, but something in that conversation relit the wick of hope inside of me that had long been cold.

So now- I don’t want to kill myself. Medication has leveled me out a bit, and I am… actually happy, which I couldn’t say during that week at all.

I have a life plan again and am not afraid to take risks anymore. Because I’ve found the people and the things that make me truly happy and that’s what I’m doing with my time.

I’ve had bad days since, but- knowing that it will get better reinforces my conviction to fight this.

******

I’m going home for Ben, my brother, when he graduates in May. There’s a high probability that all my brothers will be there… but that’s not why I’m excited.

For the first time in two years, I’m going to visit my Mom’s grave because I finally can. I have the strength to. The strength to stand in front of her and apologize. The strength to let go. The strength to accept that she’s gone.

The saying “when it rains, it pours” really applies here. Though normally applied to negative situations, I could not be happier. I wake up and am actually excited to face the day because good things continue to happen to me all the time.  Mostly because after rock bottom, everything truly is up.

New York City Easter Adventure

March 22, 2008

So- I’m in Manhattan for the weekend and one of the many things I’ve enjoyed this weekend is stumbling upon The Third Annual NYC Pillow Fight in Union Square.

To understand please check out the following:

http://www.newmindspace.com/nycpillowfight.php

or

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=8414464684

Not knowing what it was, I attempted to investigate but asked the wrong question initially.

Me: What is this?

Random Pillow holding person: A pillow fight. ::walks off::

*********

To another individual-

Me: Who organized this pillow fight?

Random Girl: It was a facebook event!

Random Guy: ::hits me with pillow:: I’m the President of pillow fights!

Me: Oh, ok. Well thanks?

Random other girl: Yeah, no problem! You should go fight!

I did not go fight though I was later offered a free pillow in order to partake with. THERE WERE FEATHERS EVERYWHERE AND HUNDREDS OF PARTICIPANTS.  It was going on for at least the hour I was around the area, but apparently longer than that.

Bill Fucking Richardson and Obama’s Race Speech

March 21, 2008

Though I love my Governor, as Governor of New Mexico, he’s really come to help me appreciate that he didn’t make it as far as he would have liked in the Presidential race. Further, in this particular moment, I find myself hoping that his influence on the nation is minimal.

A year ago I signed up online to receive emails from the “Bill Richardson for President” campaign. Often these emails were dry though I found myself reading most of them and rarely even watching the included videos. I did not vote for Bill, nor did I donate to his campaign, mostly because I like what he’s done for New Mexico, and (selfishly) want to keep him in, or as an advocate, of New Mexico alone. No, I’m not proud that I was a supporter of Richardson at one time, but I thought and still think he has some good ideas and plans, but I’d really like him to continue the economic and social progress he’s helped cause in NM.  We are a state that is ridiculed, under appreciated, and needs help. By all standards, we are in the lowest class of US states and need all the assistance we can get.  More importantly, I love Hillary Clinton, thus why I would not vote for Bill when it came time to (and he dropped out directly prior to the NM primary, so I didn’t even have the option, lol).

Anyway- after his campaign for the nomination ended, he sent an email to all his supporters stating basically “As a supporter of my campaign I want you to be the first to know who I’m endorsing…. no one.”

Well- It’s old news by this point (nearly 7 hours….), but at 2:10 AM I got a rather annoying email from the Governor endorsing the ol’ Barack Obama.

As a supporter of Hillary Clinton and someone who drastically disagrees with Richardson’s reasoning for choosing Barack, I must say I am disappointed. However, I have included the email for your benefit and I will leave you with probably the only upside to this situation for me, a comment from JK:

“Bill should have more loyalty to her. Which is ironic, since he’s not the only Bill that needs to.” Oh Bill Clinton… I love that man.

*************

Dear Natalie,

During the last year, I have shared with you my vision and hopes for this nation as we look to repair the damage of the last seven years. And you have shared your support, your ideas and your encouragement to my campaign. We have been through a lot together and that is why I wanted to tell you that, after careful and thoughtful deliberation, I have made a decision to endorse Barack Obama for President.

We are blessed to have two great American leaders and great Democrats running for President. My affection and admiration for Hillary Clinton and President Bill Clinton will never waver. It is time, however, for Democrats to stop fighting amongst ourselves and to prepare for the tough fight we will face against John McCain in the fall. The 1990’s were a decade of peace and prosperity because of the competent and enlightened leadership of the Clinton administration, but it is now time for a new generation of leadership to lead America forward. Barack Obama will be a historic and a great President, who can bring us the change we so desperately need by bringing us together as a nation here at home and with our allies abroad.

Earlier this week, Senator Barack Obama gave an historic speech. that addressed the issue of race with the eloquence, sincerity, and optimism we have come to expect of him. He inspired us by reminding us of the awesome potential residing in our own responsibility. He asked us to rise above our racially divided past, and to seize the opportunity to carry forward the work of many patriots of all races, who struggled and died to bring us together.

As a Hispanic, I was particularly touched by his words. I have been troubled by the demonization of immigrants–specifically Hispanics– by too many in this country. Hate crimes against Hispanics are rising as a direct result and now, in tough economic times, people look for scapegoats and I fear that people will continue to exploit our racial differences–and place blame on others not like them . We all know the real culprit — the disastrous economic policies of the Bush Administration!

Senator Obama has started a discussion in this country long overdue and rejects the politics of pitting race against race. He understands clearly that only by bringing people together, only by bridging our differences can we all succeed together as Americans.

His words are those of a courageous, thoughtful and inspiring leader, who understands that a house divided against itself cannot stand. And, after nearly eight years of George W. Bush, we desperately need such a leader.

To reverse the disastrous policies of the last seven years, rebuild our economy, address the housing and mortgage crisis, bring our troops home from Iraq and restore America’s international standing, we need a President who can bring us together as a nation so we can confront our urgent challenges at home and abroad.

During the past year, I got to know Senator Obama as we campaigned against each other for the Presidency, and I felt a kinship with him because we both grew up between words, in a sense, living both abroad and here in America. In part because of these experiences, Barack and I share a deep sense of our nation’s special responsibilities in the world.

So, once again, thank you for all you have done for me and my campaign. I wanted to make sure you understood my reasons for my endorsement of Senator Obama. I know that you, no matter what your choice, will do so with the best interests of this nation, in your heart.

Sincerely,

Bill Richardson

Late Night Episodes

March 18, 2008

I hurt myself, not last night, but the night before… because I really wanted to destroy myself but knew that I couldn’t.  Afterwards, I felt good.  Part of me had been satisfied, even though I was vomiting in the yard and went to bed in pain.  I don’t know what that says about me.

I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else… but The Dream Ticket

March 13, 2008

1. I hate(d) Juno, but this is good stuff.

2. I’m not a fan of Barack either, but again, this is good stuff.

3. Enjoy “The Dream ticket ‘Juno’ Duet.”

PS- Thanks to Leahy for this one.

Lesser Phil- Episode 7: Polentz Vs Brosima

March 12, 2008

As promised, my pseudo writer’s strike ended. Though it should be noted that a strike isn’t really successful when it is one person unionizing, rather than a group. IE “Writer’s Strike” versus “Writers’ Strike.” Thus, I’m back, with more stories to tell. Rest assured- more time away from computer = more time to experience LP (unfortunately for me).

Since it’s been awhile- Check out last time on Lesser Phil

***************

So we have Foy to thank for this one since he provided me with the article. Though not a precise description of the man known as Lesser Phil, it does give you some idea as to the situation I am in.

YOU MUST READ THIS ARTICLE SO CLICK HERE
(All right, it’s a lame “episode,”- I am getting to Episode 7 in the next few hours, so don’t go messing yourself with overly excited expectation.)

That being said- When Lesser Phil was working at Buffalo Wild Wings (which he was since he moved in but has now been fired from since two tables of people walked out on him w/out paying in the last week) he would often just lounge around in his uniform and seemed to not have moved at all during my absence. “I just don’t know why people would do that to me? And my manager’s a douche, so now I have to fight to keep my job. It’s just not fair.”

Though he doesn’t fit all the qualifications of the article since the channel on the tv does change unlike the roommate described.

****

Chas and I recently had a discussion that went something like this-

Chas: Does he go to class?

Me: I think so.

Chas: Oh.

Me: Yeah, he’s always here when I’m here too.

Chas: Yeah. I was just curious since it seems that way.

Me: At least he goes to work occasionally.

Chas: He goes to work? Wow. I never see him gone. I mean… I figured he had to have a job or something but…

In short- we had almost achieved Brosima status when, without explanation, LP disappeared for four days last week. He went to “Iowa” where he was doing what sounds like ultimate fight club, but I can’t be sure. I assumed it was some far off destination. Nope, just Council-Tucky (aka Carter Lake which I think is technically Omaha still and is not actually a part of Council Bluffs). On the plus side- he brought me back a gift from his long expedition- a white stuffed bear which I think might be a bribe to get me to give him my friend Julie’s number. He also asked if his face looked swollen, it didn’t. Then he invited me to come see him fight the next time. A proposition to see LP get the shit kicked out of him? I said yes.

Well, to wrap up I’m glad he’s back. I’d almost begun to miss him.

Lesser Phil- A New Writer’s Strike?

March 11, 2008

I have three episodes halfway written but I haven’t had time to finish them, or when I have, I’ve used the time instead to watch episodes of House or ruin interpersonal relationships.  Yes, LP has been continuing his antics (except for the three days when he disappeared completely) and I have noted them.  I’m not intentionally keeping you from knowing the on-goings of  LP.

You’ll have a new episode by midnight Wednesday (aka 12:00 AM Thursday Central Standard Time).  That’s the best offer you are going to get.  Sorry.

I’ll do my best to get it out before then, but we shall see what God does to me in the next 48.

Until then…

Fuck- I’m Tired and I Never Thought It Could Be So Daunting

March 11, 2008

For two weeks I haven’t really slept and when I have been awake I have a great time, because I am active and I love life and I think it may be an elongated manic episode.  One of the longest ones of my life.

And it’s slowing down.  Hopefully I’ll hit middle ground by morning and the meds can maintain that.  The fact that this mania was so extreme has me worried for a depression sink.  HOWEVER- I just had a major crash before this manic period, so maybe it’s currently in the reverse order.  (Normally I go mania to depression, not depression to mania).

I don’t know.  For the first time in a long time I really felt like me, which is interesting since I have no fucking idea what that means.
I just need to finish about 5 to 6 more papers, study for 3+ tests, cut 1000 extemp articles and then… I’ll be ok to sleep.  Fucking school, I really want to drop out.

Expiration Dating

March 4, 2008

Today’s Urban Dictionary Definition of the day is: Expiration Dating which, for some reason, has me thinking about my life.

5 days ago I was again ridiculed for my “sad blogging” which stung more than it should have.  In truth- I haven’t really been blogging too much personal stuff because it’s going really well for me right now.  I guess maybe I believed that I could just put whatever I wanted online and there would be no repercussions, but there is.

I couldn’t give a fuck if people read my blog.  Actually- that’s not true, it bothers me, a good deal, that people do not read my blog because those that do know me know it is pretty damn important to me and consequently do not end up reading what I consider the highlights of my life. It also annoys me that people will say- ‘Well I don’t really read blogs because if we’re friends and you care about me and want me to know, you’ll just tell me yourself.’ Bull-Fucking-Shit.  I can care about you and not have to tell you, specifically, what my life is like.  I guess…  I’ve always wished my blog were more important to people, but at the same time- I read only a handful of blogs and I am pretty much prone to ignoring myspace blogs on the whole as they annoy me.  I respect the choice of people not to read my blog- I also respect myself enough not to repeat stories I’ve made available online.  Example- Lesser Phil.

But I’ve digressed.  Things are super swell for me right now.

+Two weeks ago my doctor increased my medication again which has led to a massive insomnia increase.  In turn I’ve become acclimated to being alone for extreme periods of time again and have actually started studying/doing homework again.   I have an appointment today.

+

Beautiful Women Month

March 4, 2008

So I got an email from a good friend today, who normally doesn’t just forward me garbage- but sent me something that amounts to…. a forwarded email. One of those “send it back if you think I’m fantastic too!” emails. That’s fine. I rarely get them and more often than not I at least humor the individual who sent it to me and send it back to them. After all, if it only takes five seconds of my time and me forwarding back something they originally sent me to make them feel like they are special to me then I’m not going to pass up the opportunity.  It’s just so easy to make them feel superficially cared for and frankly, sometimes, I’m all for lazy routes to making people love themselves and feel ‘loved’ by others.  Happiness is good right?  Even when it’s ignorant?

But I’ve digressed. Anyway- this friend of mine is a beautiful and enchanting lady, who I will simply refer to as Jax.  Jax is a girl I had not talked to in some months but that I called after I had a nightmare yesterday where we were both in a car talking and looked forward just in time to see an old high school pal get run over by a sedan in front of our very eyes. So she sends me an email telling me I’m a beautiful woman, and as such- I should support ‘Beautiful Women Month.’

I have some preliminary thoughts-

1. Then why aren’t there more beautiful women around this time of year?

2. What’s the definition of “beautiful” they are using?

3. Do people REALLY try and celebrate this?

4. I wonder what month is Ugly Women Month or Mildly Attractive Women Month because I have some friends to send an email to when those months roll around…

5. How do you actually celebrate this holiday? Don’t beautiful women get more perks in life usually anyway? Though, honestly- I think it’ll increase my chances to nab a lady. What Woman would be insulted to receive flowers because you’re trying to celebrate “Beautiful Women Month” by telling her she’s beautiful? I’m totally getting some ass out of this one, guaranteed.

6. But in order to really benefit from what I mentioned above I need to know- What month is actually “Beautiful Women Month”? March? Or the just ended February? Or has this email been circulating the Internet since August and the idea that it is an actual Annual month-long holiday is a trick.

I’m not proud to say it, but I googled it. According to discussion topics on the subject (which I have a comment about in a minute) the month is February…. or March…. or April… or May. Apparently it is sometime in the spring, that is the only real agreement by the different discussion boards/websites on the matter. So therefore, for the next three months, you can enjoy beautiful women more than you would any other time of year, HURRAY!

Alright- my comment on the discussion board comments- REALLY???? You have nothing better to do than dispute the merits of this month?  Or create websites about it??

I’m not going to lie, any woman that tries to oppose this month really is just written off as unattractive to me. Perhaps that’s unfair, but I don’t think that there is even a feminism argument to be had here. It doesn’t belittle women in any way and is, in fact, celebratory of women. So how can you oppose the month… unless you think that, as a woman, you do not fit the category. In which case- that’s not my problem.

And guys- if you were feeling left out, don’t worry we’ll create a fictional email holiday for you someday! Or maybe there already is one…. problem- Guys are much less likely to send to their guy friends emails with the title “Handsome Man Month.” Just a thought.

Anyway- from all of us here at the late night Davis Desk shift (which include me and my 6 old cup of coffee)-

HAPPY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH!!!