EGM Holiday Issue 2007- Number 223

So maybe I got a more excited about receiving a copy of my ‘Electronic Gaming Monthly’ than watching a new episode of ‘Tell me You Love Me,’ snuggling with someone special, or even (in a manic OCD moment) cleaning my living room. Am I ashamed of this? No. Should I be? Most definitely- yes. I am a nerd, but apparently, so are a lot people. Some people are so nerdy that they make that their debut blog post. Hats off to you Nate Mallard, I look forward to more honestly nerdy posts.

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#4

I really didn’t like the movie Superbad. I thought it was super bad.

Poker- Poke her

Saw #3 last night and it was awkward.  I wanted to leave as soon as I walked in the door.  Never mind the fact that Vasa wanted to trade seats to get me closer to him.  AWKSIES.  

I also found out that FWD put me in his blog AGAIN.  He actually preemptively warned me that it would be coming but I had no idea it was this.  My favorite aspect of it has to be where he tagged it w/ L33t, despite the fact that it has nothing to do w/ me.  I wanted to get upset but apparently one of our mutual friends said- “She can’t get upset w/ you, your fans demand it.”  Apparently my pride = at the mercy of blog fanatics.  :sigh:  What has this world come to?

 ******

#3 (irony!)

Sometimes when no one is around I have whole conversations aloud.  I use voices to depict my different perspectives or ideas.  I like to use evil villian voices to represent my bad choices or sadistic ideas.

(I can’t believe I’m actually going to post that one….) 

Republican Debates

I’m not a Republican and to be honest, I only watched the CNN/Youtube debate last night in order to have background noise while I cut extemp files.  However, I have to admit that I thought the debate last night was far more interesting than the Democratic ones have been up till now.  The candidates are very diverse and their opinions equally so, perhaps that is the major difference for me.  I have a firm grounding (I think) in who the Democratic candidates are and what they stand for, I’ve only recently gotten interested in the Republican field. 

Additionally, though I support Hillary, they got some wicked sweet burns on her last night.  

But personally, my favorite statement of all things had to be what was said after the question ‘Would Jesus support the death penalty?’  The response from Mike Huckabee- ‘Jesus was too smart to ever run for public office.  That’s what Jesus would do!’ 

 It just seemed like everyone was having so much fun (in that ‘I hate immigrants and taxes that help the poor’ sort of way).  I enjoyed the debate, but I sincerely hope we have a Democratic President in 2008.

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#2

I can’t help but think of you every time I drive past that apartment, and wish things had been different. 

Ode to PostSecret

So in an effort to maintain my previously sworn Internet integrity, I have decided that at the end of each entry I will include one secret about myself.  They might be embarrassing, known to some, boring, interesting, or just something I think is unique to me, but they will not be known to the masses.  Thus, even when I do not necessarily post something that requires an emotional commitment on my part, it will include one no matter what.  This forces me to stand by what I post since a part of me will literally be attached to each one.  Yes, I will admit that I like to think of it as my own little Postsecret.  I will not use or include names or pseudonymns, you might be able to tell it’s you, but I will never confirm or deny this.  It either is or it isn’t.  One final disclaimer- Telling you the secret doesn’t mean I have to tell all the related secrets, the entire story, or explain myself to anyone.  It just is.

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On a night after visiting home I returned to our place of residence and had to stop outside and cry in the cold.  Our cramped residence hall made me feel more at home than my Dad’s mansion ever could.

For the first time in a long time you brought me to tears

Written on Saturday Night I started:

 I didn’t think you had this power over me, this control and it angers me that you do.  I don’t want to ‘win’ I just want some feasible amount of control.  This dictatorship you call a friendship is not reasonable and leaves me wanting to riot against you.   

*****

I finish the entry tonight.  I don’t think ill of you.  I cried because I want to fix things, I want them to be right, but I don’t think they can be.  

You think I’m more confused than I am.  You think I’m less intelligent than I am.  Yes, I know you’re not calling me a fucker, but I must ask what you are calling me then.  An emotional bitch?  I’m not.  In fact, I’m not even upset.  I’m not upset at all.  If anything I am confused by these accusations and a bit amused at their lack of application.  I just wish you would give me a hug when you are instead walking away.  You often do the opposite of what will solve the problem.  I can’t stop you, and I won’t.  

On Saturday night I cried out of frustration, heartbreak, and hurt.  I want things to be right, and I’m tired of wishing they were different. 

This is the start of numerous things I have to say, but it is a good start, and one I will finish later. 

A few reflections, on a bus back from Norfolk (Finally posted today, written 11/10/2007)

First, it is always good to be 100 dollars richer than you were at 4 am.  Now that I am back on the bus and riding home after five rounds of Varsity and Novice LD, I am looking forward to petting my dog and the potential of brushing my teeth.  Through the dark we ride, I’m not sure how I got there, or how we are getting home, something that could categorize how I feel about my life right now, but I know I’ll get there.  Interesting that we are sliding past West Point for the second time, dim lights pointing it out from the darkness, but helping me see that I would not want to stop there tonight, or tomorrow, or anytime in the foreseeable future. 

 

West Point, I hadn’t thought about him in a while, then three days ago I wondered if I was getting sentimental feelings for a relationship that exists better in memory than it ever did in life.  You see, I immortalized him and his actions in my mind, made him a Hercules then, and still had in some regards now.  Even if we both completely changed- could it work?  Idle thoughts as I drive past the coffee shop I meant to stop at.

 

I hear a lot about team history and what comprised it before I joined it.  Veterans encourage new individuals to be like the team was several years ago, but the leaders are graduated and the ones that remember do not teach.  Despite this pressure to belong to the team I never knew, and despite my willingness to align myself with beliefs I never even knew, I fear I will never truly understand.  Additionally, and by saying this I may as well hang a sign around my neck that reads, “yes, I am a tool!” but I cannot be part of that team.  I am part of the new team, for better or worse, that urbandictionary.com’s it at Longview in between rounds of changing someone’s Facebook profile.

 

On this bus-ride I should be thinking about someone or something, a pilgrimage in which I have learned it all, and learned it all too late.  It is the recipe to an incredible soup that I lost moments after garnered.

 ”Just Some Emotional Things”

:sigh:

Deep inhale and exhale,

call your father on the phone. 

Tell him your problems cry out your soul, he’ll help you realize, you’re not yet too old.

Breath in deep those salty tear filled sobs

Drink in your sadness

Get your thirst filled by a homemade red sea

Look to your friends and realize sometimes you have to say it all

Before you can say nothing

Dream of me while you sleep

Pray I’ll be there still

Check my empty room

Run to the street

Wonder if I’ll come home

If that’ll be the promise I keep

For just like that whily old Nanny McPhee

For as long as you need me, there I’ll be

But as soon as you want me, I must leave.

 

 

Honesty Should Always Prevail, Especially on the Internet

Read this article one of my friends sent to me-

http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html

Please look to number 5.  What I am going to say on this is- It is our duty to criticize each other’s blogs and internet personalities or we will never reach any type of growth as a community.  Simply because we are faceless is not an excuse.  I am honest and I will tell you any story I put here again in person.

I guess, what I’m telling you, is that you need to tell me when you think I’m dishonest.  Call bullshit on me, because there’s got to be a start to Internet integrity and I think the blogging community should be the crux of that movement.  Primarily I am asking you to go beyond calling me a “porksword” or a “cuntwaffle” and truly tell me your complaints w/ my work.  It’s the only way to improve.  

Further, I promise you honesty in my stories even if shit scared and embarrassed about the whole endeavor.  I mean, I told you how I thought I may have peed myself during sex.  I talked about familial interactions, and I will always be honest about my depression/bipolar/or crazy antics.  No story is too gory or life-ruining to share.  As the article states:

E-mail and texting are awesome tools for avoiding that level of honesty. With text, you can respond when you feel like it. You can measure your words. You can pick and choose which questions to answer. The person on the other end can’t see your face, can’t see you get nervous, can’t detect when you’re lying. You have almost total control and as a result that other person never sees past your armor, never sees you at your worst, never knows the embarrassing little things about yourself that you can’t control. Gone are the common quirks, humiliations and vulnerabilities that real friendships are built on.

Browse around people’s MySpace pages, look at the characters they create for themselves. If you’ve built a pool of friends via a blog, building yourself up as a misunderstood, mysterious Master of the Night, it’s kind of hard to log on and talk about how you went to prom and got diarrhea out on the dance floor. You never get to really be yourself, and that’s a very lonely feeling.

I’d rather tell you about the shit on the dance floor (or at a fifth grade sleepover I once endured) than lie to you.  Why lie when most of you will never meet me anyway?  

 

Yours in Honesty,

Nat ‘Pisspot’ Rivera

A Surprisingly Sober Entry From A Heartbroken Soul

God I feel like such a fuck up today.  I’m heartbroken and lost and really trying to cover it not just for the family or friends that are gathered about, but for my own stupid self-preservation.

I began this entry with the intent to spill all but have discovered in the process of writing even the title and first two sentences that maybe I don’t want to say anything at all.

I am disgusted, repulsed, angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, in love, and heartbroken.  I am angry that my family and friends are so loyal.  They are dangerously so, often failing to tell me when I am in the wrong and supporting me ad nausem against ex-boyfriends and lustful dangerous lovers.  They try to be the helmet for when I take my bicycle ride but the result is training wheels, kneepads, and a pat on the back for good effort.  I just want to try by myself.

But I want to be held.  I want to be understood.  I want to be loved.  One of my greatest flaws ever might be that last one.  I love individuals and often strive harder with individuals who do NOT love me more than with those that do because I fear losing.  It is a game to me, a sick, demented, cruel game that I am the only player in and so even in winning, I lose.

Tonight I exist in a stream of consciousness that brings nothing but confusion and never clarity.  Just anguish is all I feel tonight and I wanted so badly to talk to you, but when I did, I got no satisfaction.  I suppose I was looking for you to be looking for me.  Desiring me maybe.  But you don’t, you won’t, you didn’t.  I must either deal with that, perhaps try and change the second statement to ‘you will’, or give up.   

Perhaps my biggest realization tonight is that I should not watch romantic comedies at early morning hours.  It is very disastrous for me and leaves me wishing I had my own Hugh Jackman.  Uggh, what a waste of a human I am right now.

A bigger realization is that I try and exist in a world of maybe’s and perhap’s.  I should state my opinions without question or hesitation. 

Right now I call to mind my poetry program- 

Oh how a simple and naive song would do now.  But as both listener and songwriter know, there is nothing simple or naive about a country that is lonely….

 I am lonely.  Yes, my country is lonely….

But can the simple and naive let us be alone long enough

to cry to cry to cry 

“Great” Minds Think Alike

Just as I published my most recent blog entry one of my best-friends, who had never spoken to me about 2girls1cup was posting an article about the exact same thing. What a crazy world of blogging we live in.  They are unique perspectives on the same situation.

He told me he had a new entry up and I finished publishing my entry and moved to his where we both shared in a collective “ah ha!”

Perhaps it is getting closer to a ‘Tubgirl Thanksgiving’ than Matt could have imagined. 

Teenage Brothers and Online Smut

So my teenage brother is obsessed with showing others 2girls1cup and insisted that I, one of my best-friends Hotchy, my 12 year old step brother, my 18 year old brother, and my 16 year old step sis + boyfriend watch it online tonight.  While most of us gagged and almost vomited, Hotchy ate a cookie and finished w/ the comment “Dominic, why are we watching this? I told you all that I had a strong stomach.”

I suppose I am just shocked by my brother and his overall intrigue by this website and sharing it with others. 

While I had watched the reactions on youtube, I must say it was a much more horrifying experience than I could have ever predicted.  So, in a way, this is my reaction to it.  It’s disgusting.  I do not recommend it but I realize that by posting this I am only increasing the propensity for individuals to look it up.  My recommendation is to watch reactions to it on youtube PRIOR to looking up the movie.  If you are that curious, it’s two girls and a glass full of shit.  Throw in some swallowing and some vomit, and you get the most hideous experience of my entire life.

 The comments of some reactions of people on youtube as well as my family:

“That’s got to be ice cream or something.”

“I think I’m going to barf.”

“You’re the worst brother I’ve ever had.”

“What am I supposed to say- ‘That’s so cool?!’  Was that real poop?”

“It’s amazing what you can do with two girls and one cup.”  “Yeah, and their feces!”

One last thought- Who shows this to their family????